bruises

I got knocked off my bike by a taxi crossing my lane on Wednesday. I went flying into the road but luckily have only got a few bumps and bruises and general stiffness - such a blessing. I pushed my bike for a while whilst I was still in shock and then got back on it and carried on to work where I did two massages. When I got home, I think I might have been in shock but I still can't believe how lucky I was not to have anything more serious happen - the car behind had plenty of time to slow down. It's made me count all my lucky stars and there were loads of those in the sky last night - a complete blanket of light pinpricks.

We went to see Lou Rhodes, of Lamb fame, on her acoustic tour on Wednesday evening. Her voice has been the soundtrack to so many big events in my life that I was completely bowled over to hear her live, crying quietly at the back! Why did I not go and see them live this year? My not noticing that the band had reformed and was touring completely baffles me. However, it was a wonderful thing to sit and absorb beautiful music, full of heart and light and soul, sung with love and passion, such a rareity in the music business these days. I closed my eyes and floated away to a dreamy place....one in which everything we wish for comes true...for everyone on this journey...

Fertility Buddha, work your magic!

Feel inexplicably joyous today after yesterday's glum mood. Went to see a client this morning with her 4 month old son who is absolutely gorgeous - one of those babies you have no problem falling in love with. When I came home there was a little parcel there for me containing a letter (a proper hand-written, long letter - I love em!) and a beautiful little fertility Buddha. An old friend I have got back in touch with (thank you Facebook - probably one of the only times you'll receive gratitude from me!) was given the Buddha by a friend when she had concerns about conceiving and she conceived immediately - she is now waiting for labour to start, a few days over her due date. What a wonderful thing to receive (thank you so much, my lovely, you know who you are!) - it has filled me with a strange and blissful hope.

We were wondering how in the world we were going to afford having the acupuncture and herbs, looking at our meagre savings with heavy hearts, when my mum called this morning and said she would like to help us. So, with her and R's mum's generosity, we are going to commit to three months of acupuncture and herbal medicine to prepare our bodies holistically for this exciting adventure. With the combination of magic needles, herbs and fertility Buddhas, could 2010 be our lucky year? I so hope so....the oak tree we planted as a symbol of our hope 18months ago now is slowly, slowly reaching toward the winter sun....

The TCM lady and needle-magic

So, the visit to the TCM lady was really interesting. She was hopeful and that made us hopeful. She gave me some acupuncture to help regulate my cycle and said in future I might need to think about having some tests done but not to worry about it too much now. She also explained how all the tests work so this doctor/drug/chemical-phobic girl could get her head around it. Thinking about the medical side of fertility problems just makes me so in awe of brave women and men who go through it - I have always been brought up totally alternative so it's completely mind-boggling and scary for me. I count my blessings that where we live there's so much alternative support available. So I don't know if I have a 'problem', if there are blocked tubes or whathaveyou from the infection in my teens...but I'm just going to keep the faith, keep on trusting that this will all work out and come good in the end.

R had some acupuncture too which was amazing as he has said in the past he's scared of needles, but he was totally chilled. The lovely lady also recommended he eat more MEAT as he lacks protein but you can bet his vegetarian wife won't be cooking that for him (for starters, I haven't got a clue where to begin)! I've always thought R is a sort of classic TCM case, as he has a crazy fast metabolism, and is always boiling hot, loads of energy and very slim. The TCM lady seemed confident she could help with his sperm count. TCM is reknowned for excellent results with male fertility; here's an article though it's not the most comprehensive one it gives an idea: http://website.lineone.net/~julie.neal/articles/male_infertility.htm

We left in high spirits, despite the wild and windy weather outside. It was fun cycling back through the park together in the dark, racing along, feeling like our energies were humming together again, rather than apart as they have been, with work and other engagements. I love R so much, I love his company and all the fun we have together and the incredible connection we have and the sensation of 'coming home' that being with him engenders. The last few nights we have been doing a big jigsaw puzzle together in the evenings - it gets dark so early so we get a fire going in the woodburner, get some good tunes on and get down to some puzzling - bliss!

Started my period straight after the TCM session, 5 days early, but it totally explained the vulnerable feelings. Have mostly felt like curling up with a hot water bottle and a book these last few days and not engaging with the outside world at all but work has picked up...for which I am grateful...really...

wibbly wobbly...here come the tears!

Yowzers, all over the shop emotionally today...is it because my period is coming? Went out for tea with a friend who has 2 kids and was talking about how they drained all her energy and I felt really fragile - like someone was poking sticks up my nose or something. It reminded me of the huge divide there sometimes is between friends with kids and me (not always, I have some wonderful understanding friends who support me through this particular journey wholeheartedly) reminding me of one friend who almost fell off her chair when I started crying about not getting pregnant and looked at me like I was mad as a bag of badgers.

I felt really wobbly when I went to get my shopping and became convinced a security guard was following me around the shop - paranoid, moi? I hadn't actually done anything wrong but me and authority have never been a happy mix. Anyway, I was itching to get home, to wander through the sun-dappled trees and feel grounded. The outside world feels much too harsh and strange today. I came home and baked bread for a bit of connective creativity.

I told my friend that we were thinking of moving to Scotland; talking about it has made it real. We're completely in limbo land at the moment - R is looking for a job up there but thinking about the 600 mile move is mind-boggling. I seem to have lost sight of why I wanted to move so much in the first place - to start afresh, to connect with nature, to create a new adventure that might inspire a soul to join us. Having niggling doubts that I'm just running from our problems here and taking them all with us...

We're going to see the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) lady this afternoon and I'm about to saddle up my bike and set off in the rain that has just started. In my insular mood, I feel anxious that she won't understand why I don't have a doctor, haven't had my fertility checked, why I have studiously avoided the medical profession for 10 years now. When I went to see a counsellor about our fertility problems, she was desperate for me to see a doctor (ostensibly because she thought I was loony but she diplomatically avoided saying this outright) and it made me feel really cornered. I know I'm probably just being wobbly, that the TCM lady will be supportive of my alternative choices. I hope this is a catalyst for change.

A knitted cat...

I just changed the name of my previous post, having reflected on what I wrote... I think I have always tried to see the sunny side, the silver lining in this particular cloud but I confused even myself with what I wrote about our baby-less life being a blessing. Yes, being with my husband is wonderful, beautiful and delicious but our heart-felt wish and intention is to be parents and we hope that will happen for us soon. I think I might mean that each day hopefully takes us closer to that dream.

We just had two of our dear friends and their one year old daughter come for a leisurely Sunday walk through the autumn leaves and a big bowl of veggie chilli by the fire. We adore their little girl M so much and our friends have asked us to be her guardians - what an incredible blessing! We had a wonderful afternoon - they are very much attachment parents so we are totally singing from the same song sheet and sometimes we get really overexcited talking about 'extended' breastfeeding, bed-sharing, child-led weaning, organic food, home-schooling, Steiner schools and all the other joys of truly connecting with the soul children coming in now. It feels pretty lovely to share such important stuff with friends and warms my heart so much. When I am around friends like this, it feels like it won't be long for us. I'm not sure why but my friend winked at me in a way like she thought so too, so the energy just felt warm and happy.

We went to this second-hand warehouse of goodies yesterday managed and run by homeless people - Emmaus - to get some Christmas pressies. We came across this hand-knitted cat in a Robin Hood outfit complete with feathered hat and boots, made by a homeless woman in a cooperative. I fell in love with its quirkiness so bought it (£2.50!!!! Such incredible love and workmanship went into it but Emmaus always sells things so they're affordable for everyone) ostensibly to give to one of our godchildren. In the car on the way home I said to R that I kind of wanted to keep it for our child and he agreed with me. This is the first time we've ever bought something for our future child and felt a bit mad as if we were pinning our hopes on an unknown future but also really blissful somehow. It made me wonder if other TTC couples buy things for their as-yet-to-be-conceived children or does it just feel too dangerously hopeful? Well, we put the cat between us on the bed last night and when I woke in the night it just filled me with warm feelings imagining it being our child's first toy, already spreading a little love out there to a homeless cooperative....

We've given him a name already too! (the cat, but of course we've got a couple of baby names up our sleeves - who hasn't?)

Looking for the silver lining

One of my clients had a beautiful baby yesterday and sent me a gorgeous photo of the two of them curled up in bed. It is so lovely to get this little window into my clients' blissful experiences and I do feel very blessed to have that bond with them. One of my friends sent me the photo of her 12 week scan which was exciting too. A day of babies - and all them other peoples' - always throws up interesting and challenging emotions for me. I've noticed that recently as we creep towards three years of trying, the intensity of my feelings has lessened and I feel much more at peace with things. But we're only human and sometimes it gets exhausting to listen to a group of friends talking about their second, third or fourth pregnancies or, worse still, complaining and moaning about pregnancy or their babies. I've learnt to be much more careful with myself on this one and just smile and either mentally disengage (basically stop listening!!), change the subject or if it's real grizzling, walk away in the politest way possible! I try to avoid situations where there are big groups of new mums or pregnant women meeting socially whereas I used to walk headlong into them and suffer the heartache.

Most of all, I have learnt to treat every day that I have with R just the two of us as a blessing (it seems to me we have a choice - we can either angst that it's another day without a baby or feel blessed it's a day we get to spend together). Yes, we want to have a baby with all our hearts but we also know that life will change completely when a baby does put in an appearance. So we enjoy our Sunday lie-ins, our leisurely evenings cooking and chatting, our freedom to go out of a night (not that we make use of this freedom much at all - being relatively boring old farts) and the long stretches of time spent relishing each other's company. I think we'll take to the whole parenting thing pretty easily having had lots of training with siblings, neices, godchildren and...pets...and having done loads of reading about attachment parenting and witnessing the incredible benefits in our family circle.

But nonetheless, if the cloud has a silver lining, it's that we got to work all this stuff out beforehand, rather than found out the hard way that we had differences in opinion. Which as far as I can tell, we don't...but I guess we'll have to wait to know for sure!

Out of the darkness comes light!

Oooo, mulching through the wet autumn leaves this morning got me really excited about the seasons! All the leaves that were bright shades of red, yellow and orange are turning a mushy brown on the woodland floor - creating a rich fertile compost for next year's spring fiesta. The Celts used to celebrate Samhain (or Halloween) as the beginning of the new year, and sunset marked the beginning of a new day. This got me thinking about the darkness coming before the light, rather than the other way around, as we have become accustomed to thinking. Whilst the Earth is in apparent slumber, on dark winter days, new life is burgeoning under the wet soil, ready to burst forth.

Connecting with the Earth's cycles makes me more aware of my own - not just my moon cycle but all the little cycles that go on unheeded. Why is it at particular points I feel like nurturing myself and doing loads of yoga, eating well, getting fresh air and feeling BUZZY? Then there are times I just want to eat heaps and heaps of rubbish food, switch off with a film, laze on the sofa. It's quite fun to start to pick up on triggers and why we do our habitual things. I'd like to say that through observing my own patterns of behaviour I've got far better at not succumbing to a huge bar of chocolate (or 2) but not yet....all in good time.... (anyway, isn't chocolate supposed to be good for you?)

As we surrender to the darker months of the year, I get a bit excited at the prospect of quiet evenings by the fire and feel far less sociable than I do in the summer. I like to think that we're laying the foundations for our own spring fertility by nurturing ourselves with nourishing food and loads of rest in the winter. Fertility goes down in the winter months - definitely a sign that we need our sunshine to make babies! I've been getting my regular dose of sunshine by getting outside whatever the weather, with a less-than-eager dog (who, at 13, increasingly turns her nose up at rainy days!) and turning my face up to the sky!

We are going to see a Chinese medicine practitioner next week. She's skilled in both herbalism and acupuncture and has had good success judging by her testimonials so we'll see what happens... Though I was rather enjoying the process of letting go and trusting that the Universe will provide, I suddenly feel like 'doing' something again, hence booking the TCM lady. Is the quest a mixture of 'doing' and 'being' and not getting too fixed on anything? So far, that seems to have kept our spirits high and ensured we feel spiritually and physically relaxed.

Keep getting snatches of a song stuck in my head over and over; 'bless the day/you came to be/heavenly...' It's a song I've sort of pre-dedicated to our as yet unconceived child so it's lovely that it keeps popping into my head unbidden.