Feeling much better these last two days. Had a really good chat with my friend's adoptive mum - she used to sit on panel and said that it really was important for couples to be clear about what they wanted. I guess I'm just surprised by how much I want a child under two, it hadn't really seemed like a major thing before (and a part of me is disappointed in myself for being so predictable). The last eight years I've been supporting pregnant women and new mums, so I suppose some of that had filtered in, and I realised the other day just what it was I'd be missing out on. We're still not actually decided, and we have the details of the gorgeous little 15month year old - B I'll call him - by our bed. We look at him often and talk about what life might be like with him, and I feel who knows what the future holds. I am becoming aware of this stage of the process throwing up a lot more than any other part has done so far - now it's all becoming real, we're confronting new and different parts of ourselves, our needs, our dreams. And, I now see, parts of us that aren't 'perfect', parts of us that don't just say 'yes, we'll definitely take that child because they need a home'. That frightens me, but also makes a kind of sense. Anyone who has been through infertility will know how ludicrous it feels to be offered a child, any child, and have to think twice. Sometimes I think we're being ridiculous, petty, selfish. Other times I think I want this to be right for all of us.
Our social worker is coming on Friday to talk through things further with us, and show us some of the profiles of the many children under one they have on their books. If B doesn't come to live us, she assures us that there are other potential adopters who they're looking at as matches for him, which helps. I don't have to beat myself every night with the thought that if we don't adopt him, he'll spend his life in care, though that is the truth for something like 1 in 4 children currently in care. What a strange rollercoaster this part is. I'm tightening up my seatbelt a bit these last few days, taking a few very very deep breaths. We'll get there.
1 comment:
Oh! How happy I am to hear from you.
And how excited I am to hear of your adoptive journey. The courage to be true to yourself is the most important thing. Don't hold yourself in judgment, just be open to what you know to be true (as it arises) regardless of the WHY of it. Sort of like navigating by stars, isn't it?
xoxox
Kate
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