Guilty

Oh shit. Just had to hide in the loo to have a cry. I'm not a crying kind of person really. But I suddenly feel so gut-wrenchingly, sick-makingly, horribly, hatefully guilty about my ambivalent feelings. What a terrible process this 'choosing' is, I'd never really considered that it might be like this. I thought it would all happen perfectly, that the right child would just be there, like that. And maybe this little boy is the right child, and I'll have it on my conscience for the rest of our life together that I initially felt ambivalent. R came home and was delighted and happy, and I just felt such a gloom merchant expressing my concerns, which is why I slipped away for a cry.

Because I wasn't really expecting to be like this, to be the one who researched on the computer and worried about health issues, who got the baby books out and mourned for the things we might miss adopting an older child, who just generally didn't leap up and shout from the rooftops how excited I was. The thing is, everyone else is excited and keeps asking us how we feel and I keep saying 'excited' because I was and am, but now I also just feel horrible and nasty and guilty. Who knew it would be this complicated? Who knew that after all these years of wanting so desperately to be a mother, of wanting it with every cell of my being, I would get so muddled at this stage. I don't want to have to 'choose' my child.