pseudonym jitters

And by the way...I decided to change my blogging name from Future Mum to Dream Seeker - I don't want to be a mum at some indeterminate time in the future...I want to affirm it as my reality NOW!! And I am a seeker of dreams in that I spend far FAR too much time lying in.

A spiritual adventure - I can't wait!

R is taking me to India for my (big) birthday in April - yay, yay and more hoorays than it is possible to fit on a page! I have always always wanted to go (I'm sure I was even thinking about it in the womb)! And he tucked the tickets inside a book on India and it said 'Let's go on a spiritual adventure to the birthplace of tantra. I love you.' Could I love him any more than I do or would I spontaneously combust?! HOOOOOORAY!!!! And it's still snowing!!!! AND he's not going to work tomorrow! And he'll be home very soon!

an ode to cats and dogs...and snow

It's snowing!! What could be more delicious than our chocolate-box village covered in virgin snow! My clients all cancelled so I went back to bed with a hot water bottle (period pains) and read a book then, ahem, drifted back asleep...oops. I love it when the world grinds to a halt like this; the park is suddenly full of families, mums and dads sledging with their kids, shrieks of delight because everyone has 'permission' to spend a day together. Noone can get anywhere here and there's a real comradeship and evident thrill in it.

A kind of freedom in calling up your boss and saying 'I can't come in today...' Yes, yes, yes!! No need to fake a dodgy throat before dashing out to gambol about in the snow and make snow angels. R and I had a ridiculous amount of fun burying ourselves in snow and videoing our sausage dog leaping about in it when it snowed before Christmas. Unfortunately the party-poopers have been moaning about the poor service of commuter trains when it snows so today they're running them. Altogether now...booooooooo. So R made it into work, although it took him 3.5 hours. Totally utterly pointless when he could be larking about in the snow with ME!! So, judging by news reports etc., snow is officially NO LONGER FUN (as in all the pics in the paper when it first snowed of aforementioned families etc.) but SERIOUSLY INCONVENIENT AND DANGEROUS (see scaremongering Tories trying to tell us we'll all be dead in our beds by the end of the week/'I can't get to work for one day' protests).

Well, well, I'm here to soak up the beautiful perfect silence that descends with a blanket of snow. Was dreaming again about Scotland (despite our deciding we're definitely not moving there now) and being holed-up in some remote house with a roaring fire - I love the wilderness of the Highlands. The utter escapism, the peace and solitude. The magic of hiking in silence for several hours and then coming face to face with a stag. It seems like another reality, transcending realms-especially when the stag meets your gaze for what seems like minutes on end before darting off. I like that a lot about Scotland.

R and I have had a funny week of people being surprised we don't have a TV. 'What do you do in the evenings?' is their plaintive cry...it really freaks people out. Some are anxious that we're missing such cultural milestones as 'The X Factor' and 'Strictly Come Dancing'. This worries them deeply. We usually say that we try and work our way through the book mountains that threaten to swallow up our teeny living space, book mountains which have only increased since Christmas with a vague promise from R that he's going to put up 'another shelf' -where I ask you?! We cook together, eat together, do puzzles together, sometimes play Scrabble together (but he always wins, grrrrr), sometimes watch a film together on the computer (yes, we are in the technological age!) but mostly we sit in front of the fire with our animals.

Which leads me to the point of this rambling post (you can tell it's a day off for me!) which is how great it is to have a menagerie of pets to welcome you home. Each of our three cats is uniquely different with their own quirky mannerisms, things that make us laugh until our sides ache. And as for the sausage dog, well, you can imagine how amusing and lovely she is. Our pets have brought an incredible amount of love into our lives. I simply cannot imagine life without their furry comfort, their beautiful wise feline/canine eyes, their ability to be completely in the moment, to take immense pleasure in just being near me and R. They all bundle into a pile by the fire and sleep with their arms and paws entwined (99% of the photos we take are of these moments!). They have, throughout the years, been an immense source of comfort and kindness. They seek us out when we are sad, our dog in particular comes rushing out if she hears crying and has been known to lick tears away. To R and I, they are our family and we are so blessed that these 4 little souls share our home. As I write, they're all curled up snoozing, blissfully aware that they're the most loved animal companions in the world.

A very blissful new year celebration this year...

I enjoyed a deeply transformative, beautiful tantric ritual with my R - my god, my Shiva - in which we created a lovely temple in our bedroom with candles and music....

we lazed about then made a delicious (and crazily cheesy) 4 course meal. Which consisted of, um, crudites with home-made dips (one of them cream cheese and roasted red pepper), then a pasta dish with a rich creamy, er, cheesy, sauce and then a cheese course with lovely homemade bread (which had a dusting of, er, cheese on top) followed by - you guessed it - cheesecake! I turned into a total cheesemonster in the kitchen trying to use up all the leftover cheese from Christmas!

Then we lit a fire, did a meditation and wrote our wishes and intentions for the coming year. We read out what we intended to let go of in 2010 and burnt the pieces of paper afterwards. It felt very cleansing and we were totally buzzy and invigorated...

It was a truly magical evening together and we woke on New Year's Day with bright light hearts...
We wish,
We wish,
We wish....

And in the beautiful flow of things, everything is happening perfectly.

Happy 2010 x

Wishing all an abundant 2010

When I started writing this blog, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted from it. My sister had a blog and I loved reading hers so I thought I’d have a go…it was just an extension of writing a journal (something that has been happening less and less since I had the blog I have to admit!). For a year or so I wrote irregularly on our quest to conceive naturally with as little help as we could. All that time, I had no idea that there were many other women out there writing about their own journeys, their ups and downs, their heartbreaks and joyful miracles. It was (and is) a slow realization that you are all there too. It’s been such a joy discovering other people’s stories. I love reading your words. It’s made me so grateful for the relative ease of our journey so far when I read how brave you beautiful women have been in your quest to hold a baby in your arms and feel completion, peace, boundless love.

It is so humbling to be welcomed into your lives and at times to hear the breaking of a heart.

A few days before Christmas, I found myself with a glass of wine in hand reading through the blogs I’d discovered in the last few months and I felt overwhelmed by the outpouring of feeling in them. I’m sure we’ve all sat at the computer screen and cried and cried for all our sisters in hope – tears of joy and tears of deep grief.

I think that women, in our connection to the Goddess and to the Earth Mother, have a bottomless well of unconditional love, support, kindness, nurturing and arms that enfold. Reading how you all hold each other reminds me that, whilst aspects of our lives are difficult, this beautiful radiance shines through. I think Shell summed this up so beautifully in her post about sisterhood in IVF, now that was a post that really had me crying!

And my gratitude to our menfolk who have to rise to this challenge too - find ways of relating and understanding. We all know the comfort of someone reaching out to encircle us in the darkness of the night. In the presence of R, I am truly blessed - my tantric god whose heart chakra resonates with mine and surrounds me with blissful protection.

Thank you for everything you have shared – I look forward to finding more of you as the year progresses. Wishing you all a 2010 in which dreams come true, in which our beautiful souls manifest in earthly bodies - we are waiting for you with open arms.

Happy New Year!

What a wonderful festive season it's been. On Sunday 19th Dec my family and I went to my grandparents graves - they are buried in a natural burial ground on the North Downs Way in Surrey. The only grave markers are small trees or bird boxes and the graves are on a secluded woodland - it is the most beautiful place. And we lit candles and put them in the snow where they cast long shadows across the ground. We laid homemade garlands of winter greenery on the graves. We gathered round for warmth (a depleted party of 5 from our usual 11 because of the snow/car problems/illness) and sang as many carols as we could before our toes froze. It was magical; the stillness of the night, owls in the trees, our breath combining in a smoky fog above us and the heartfelt intention to share this Christmas with our beloved grandparents/parents/in-laws as we had done in years past.

On Solstice, we shelved our plans to go to the brilliant and dramatic 'Burning of the Clocks' (www.burningtheclocks.co.uk) and just stayed in (it WAS raining!), snuggled by the woodburner and reflecting on the year.

We had a rowdy, fun and joyful celebration of family at my aunt and uncle's on Christmas day and then at my sister's on Boxing Day. We've been given many lovely, thoughtful gifts (mainly books which have been the source of much fireside pleasure over the last two days!) but the emphasis as always was on time spent with loved ones, laughter, good food, silly games and yes, the usual ridiculous dancing/drum beating/singing madness that seems to descend Boxing Day evening!

I feel so blessed to have family who love me, to retreat into that safe haven and recharge, renew, refresh. I was overcome this year thinking of those who spend Christmas alone or on the streets - I know that I probably won't give my time over Christmas to help run shelters as I value my family time too much so I gave the next best thing - a bit of cash. It seemed to me a kind of madness that we were all running around like rats in the shops pre-Christmas buying landfill-destined, sweatshop-made stuff when the money could buy someone a warm bed/a belly warm with food/company and laughter at Christmas. So we went for locally-made gifts for our nearest and dearest- there is, after all, nothing quite like giving someone something special you've chosen just for them!

One of my favourite pressies is a beautiful ceramic mosaic my creative little neice made for R and I with 'Uncle' and 'Aunt' in coloured tiles - I cried when I opened it. My neices were at their most adorable and delectable at Christmas and their TV-free, home-educated, wild, free, outdoor selves shine through in their desire to give their homemade presents first, before carefully opening their own. They are so interested and satisfied with the most wonderfully innocent presents - in J's case (she's 10) a little patchwork dog she could make herself; essentially a bag of cloth pieces! I've overwhelmed with love for them and their enjoyment of the moment - they are so perfectly, wondrously present in all that they do and being with them it feels like I learn more than being with some Zen master!...

R and I have been cosied up at home the last few days enjoying the delicious decadence of lie-ins, too much chocolate and reading by the fire all day. Love it, love it, love it!
I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays; slowing down, savouring, nurturing, going into restful reflective quiet time...or partying the festive season away!!

In Dreamtime

The strangest part of this whole rollercoaster ride is how some months my convictions are so strong I interpret every little twitch or tiny cramp in my belly to be a sign, every profound moment in the woods looking at the sunlight through the leaves to be a momentary connection between the realms and spend my time cataloguing the aching boobs, regular toilet trips and slight nausea/tiredness/elation as evidence that this time it really truly is happening.
And then of course, that dreaded moment when the heaviness of my belly gets heavier and I go to the toilet and find out that yes, that's the dream over for this month (mental calculations of birthdays over as well and I can let go of the fact it might be a starsign I don't get on with so well!!). And however many times it happens, years and years of those 'oh...' moments, there are still some months when you just feel CONVINCED!

And so it was with this month. Even R was feeling a strange secret connection and knowledge (we tend to keep them from each other for protection). Both of us were secretly convinced that the acupuncture would be like dah-dah! and magic us a pregnancy instantly! (I desperately wanted this to be the case anyway but particularly because R's mum told us it was all 'goobledegook' and a complete waste of our money, which hit me rather hard and surprised me by how wounded I felt - it somewhat negates my whole line of work if she feels that way. I thought it would be rather brill if we got pregnant straight away so we could be able to say 'yes, there is something in it'. But if she just did a bit of research she'd realise that soon enough.)

I've felt very insular this cycle and a little overwhelmed by the demands of my work - pregnant and new mums needing my support. Rather enjoying my dream time and spending lots of delicious hours in the Land of Nod. Had a wonderful dream last night that we had a little brown-haired baby girl with R's ridiculously long lashes. I was putting into practise a couple of things I'd learnt about just recently including baby-led breastfeeding (where the baby seeks out the breast and latches themselves) and it was all going perfectly and I felt blissed out on hormones then totally low on them but I think that was because I was trying to show my new baby to my family and Reality was crashing the party somewhat and revealing that she didn't yet exist....and then I woke up...

Every time I have one of these lucid dreams of our babylovedeliciousspiritbeing I feel a little closer, that they are communicating with us, getting nearer to us. I dreamt ('nightmared') a week ago about a mother having to give up her daughter for adoption because she couldn't care for her and in this frightened blonde child in my dream, I saw and heard lots of children who need love and tenderness and I wrote in my journal after that maybe that is a future child, however they may come to us....we're all on a journey somewhere and our paths cross in Dreamspace. I wonder how and when they will cross in 'Realtime'?