Lordy, today is one of those days, I think. We had a fabulous big BBQ/party for everyone in our village on Saturday with loads of people and loads of fun, going on until the early hours. We both had a great time, though we had to field the usual 'so when are you two going to hurry up and have babies?' questions. We have taken to telling everyone the truth, that we're trying (not to get desperate about it) and have been for a while. Lots of people get floored by that, most say 'oh, it'll definitely happen for you, I just know it will, you two will make the best parents' before changing the subject. Unfortunately making the best prospective parents doesn't seem to make a difference in this crazy game.
And today...R woke up very glum and I stirred sleepily to ask him if he was ok. He had had another dream that I was pregnant (a recurring theme for both of us) and was really devastated to wake up and find it was 'just a dream' - a bit like an adult version of those piles-of-Christmas-presents or massive-chocolate-cake dreams. This put me in a weirdish mood which followed me around a little on this wet and windy day. I went to see my godson this afternoon which cheered me up no end. When his mum was pregnant with him we kept saying we'd 'do pregnancy together', yet my baby bump failed to materialise. We both hoped I'd catch her up throughout the pregnancy, but the months went by. Now her little boy is approaching his first birthday and she's planning another!! This has happened with quite a few of my friends, some of who had been planning and some who had a serendipitous surprise arrive in their womb. What I have become a master at is having the right face for the occasion - whilst I am, truly and honestly, over the moon for my wonderful and deserving friends, I cry a little internal tear for us. Selfish? Maybe...I still can't work that one out.
Well, I was saved from the silly face this evening when some very good friends we've been out of touch with, emailed to say that they had a baby due in 2 months. I can't tell you how happy I am for them and we both laughed out loud with happiness as they will truly make the best parents - such warm-hearted and fun-loving souls they are. But we're sad and neither is quite voicing it to the other. R just said 'I so want a baby' which is a bit of a mantra chez us, and then he took the dog out for a walk for some quiet time. Facebook threw one at me too, with photos of my ex's beautiful new baby, his second child.
We had this conversation on Sunday, one we go over and over, about how easy making a baby seems for most people. The way people say 'straight after we married the kids came along' or 'they weren't planned but it just happened' or 'I stopped taking the Pill and next month I was pregnant!'. And we sometimes say 'why not us?!'. I think it is ok to be a little down about it now and then.
2 comments:
Oh lovely, I just read your post and wanted to say that I love you and that of course it's okay for you both to feel incredibly sad about this and envious of those for whom it seems to take little time, and angry at those who have children and don't even 'want' them. In feeling and expressing these emotions I think you can start to let them go. But I don't know - I want to be able to 'do' something to help. Maybe the deep peace of an island break will be good. Maybe indulging in stage two of the tantra course you embarked on would be a good move. Love you xxxx
Hi there
I came across your blog just now and I can instantly feel that you are a child of the Universe. I can also feel what you feel because like you, we started trying for a baby since Feb 2007. I'm 34 this year and I feel this is a good time to have a baby but things have a funny way of turning out. We're still not pregnant in a wistful way. I have a friend who had 2 miscarriages before she adopted a boy and then all of a sudden, she got pregnant. Her daughter is now 3 years old! So do not ever give up. I bought a hula hoop recently (just so I could lost some waist flab) and then I read your blog that it's good for the pelvis. Like you, it's so hart keeping the hula hoop from sliding off! I do yoga too but have yet to come across any pelvis opening poses but I shall investigate this further with my yoga teacher. Keep writing...you have a brilliant blog for mommies-to-be like me!
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