I haven't posted for so long because I've mostly been getting on with life post panel, and since our social worker went on holiday the whole process has ground to a halt. Twice I have woken in the night after a dream about Little One and had to shake R awake to ask him if the whole thing is a dream. Twice, and both times proper night sweats. I used to dream regularly about being pregnant and, as the dream progressed, things would get sinister: the baby would shrink or disappear or my belly would stop growing and I'd look down and discover there was no bump there at all. Then I would wake and realise it was all a dream. No bump. No baby. So these adoption nightmares are nothing new, it's just the context that has changed. In one dream I was talking to people about Little One and everyone was looking at me like I was bonkers; "who's Little One?' they were asking, and I slowly realised that the whole thing had never happened...until I woke up. And that's the wonderful delightful blissful difference about these dreams - I wake up and the adoption is REAL, Little One is REAL, not with us yet, but still REAL.
Nonetheless, the following day has been tainted by that edgy feeling that something is about to go wrong, just that smudge of anxiety a bad dream always leaves behind. Our SW is back from holiday today. Soon, things will start happening again.
I spoke to LO's foster carer last week. I heard what he'd been up to, that he was cutting another tooth and pushing himself up to crawl, rolling over...all these things R and I want to witness. This is surely the most frustrating part: we've been approved, LO is freed for adoption, and now we have to wait for a matching panel date (not until September). That irritates me more than I can say. Plus LO is still having direct contact with birth mum and at the last meeting another family member turned up unannounced (I only heard this through the foster carer who said she probably wasn't supposed to tell me) and spent time with LO without anyone working out whether this would be in his best interests.
Since this has turned into a bit of a rant, I'll write a little about the panel, which was when my feelings in general about the process started to change. I can see the point - just - of having a panel, but some of the questions they asked us were ludicrous, including a breath-takingly stupid question about how a child would feel about us not planning to get any more pets at present (we have FOUR, including a dog, surely plenty?!). There was also a repeated question about how we planned to get a buggy up our road - it's a little steep at the beginning and can be uneven. I said we were both fit and healthy and could manage it (I've done it many times with friends' kids), but that didn't seem to be enough. We were also asked about education, finances (of course!) and other things that were all included on our 50 page PAR form which they had in front of them - for some of the questions on the PAR I'd written several pages. So we had to fight the urge to say; "Look at the paper in front of you! It's all there!!!". I think, to be honest, it was the way in which the questions were asked that upset me in the end, as if we had to defend our right to parent. Sitting in a room with 12 people firing questions at you in a guilty-until-proved-innocent way is disconcerting to say the least. But I think we did well, we smiled and laughed and acted relaxed, and took the questions in our stride.
It was afterwards that it hit me, and for a few days I felt really low and exhausted. I felt a bit like we'd been prodded and poked and hung out to dry, and there were quite a few teary outbursts when I thought about it. We got our approval, which was the main thing, and eventually I came to the conclusion that I had to put the whole episode behind me. Meeting with LO's foster carer helped, though even that was under the scrutiny of the social workers - everything, everything, under the watchful eye of the social workers (although we do have a lovely SW and LO's is really sweet too, sometimes it would be nice to be autonomous!).
Anyway, rant over! We received our first 'adoption' present from a friend yesterday - a beautiful silver frame perfect for a picture of LO. I also finished knitting him a stripey penguin - photo to follow. I realised that one thing that gets lost in the whole bureaucracy of adoption is a sense of self, so R and I have spent the last few weeks regaining our true selves: hanging out, going on long walks, hosting workshops here, spending time with friends, laughing and generally being OURSELVES rather than people on a PAR form!
Before too long we will be parents and that is what this whole thing is about...
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