wibbly wobbly...here come the tears!

Yowzers, all over the shop emotionally today...is it because my period is coming? Went out for tea with a friend who has 2 kids and was talking about how they drained all her energy and I felt really fragile - like someone was poking sticks up my nose or something. It reminded me of the huge divide there sometimes is between friends with kids and me (not always, I have some wonderful understanding friends who support me through this particular journey wholeheartedly) reminding me of one friend who almost fell off her chair when I started crying about not getting pregnant and looked at me like I was mad as a bag of badgers.

I felt really wobbly when I went to get my shopping and became convinced a security guard was following me around the shop - paranoid, moi? I hadn't actually done anything wrong but me and authority have never been a happy mix. Anyway, I was itching to get home, to wander through the sun-dappled trees and feel grounded. The outside world feels much too harsh and strange today. I came home and baked bread for a bit of connective creativity.

I told my friend that we were thinking of moving to Scotland; talking about it has made it real. We're completely in limbo land at the moment - R is looking for a job up there but thinking about the 600 mile move is mind-boggling. I seem to have lost sight of why I wanted to move so much in the first place - to start afresh, to connect with nature, to create a new adventure that might inspire a soul to join us. Having niggling doubts that I'm just running from our problems here and taking them all with us...

We're going to see the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) lady this afternoon and I'm about to saddle up my bike and set off in the rain that has just started. In my insular mood, I feel anxious that she won't understand why I don't have a doctor, haven't had my fertility checked, why I have studiously avoided the medical profession for 10 years now. When I went to see a counsellor about our fertility problems, she was desperate for me to see a doctor (ostensibly because she thought I was loony but she diplomatically avoided saying this outright) and it made me feel really cornered. I know I'm probably just being wobbly, that the TCM lady will be supportive of my alternative choices. I hope this is a catalyst for change.