Well, here I am again...a little older and hopefully a little wiser and still waiting with open arms and an open heart for the beautiful soul we know is out there. We've put our desires out to the Universe and will await the magic... It's been nearly 3 years since we started 'trying' or rather put our intention out there. It's amazing how much you can grow and change in 3 long years!! Although the months whizz by, when I reflect on a passing year, it seems that everything we have been gifted on our paths has helped us grow enormously. I know R so much better than I did when I married him (or met him nearly 10 years ago!) and I know with my whole heart and soul that we want a baby!We've had a rollercoaster of a month, with R's granny in Scotland being diagnosed with liver cancer, taking to her bed on hearing the news and leaving this life a few weeks later. We went up to see her when she was ill and I was amazed at the power of words or an idea. She was not in any pain, in fact, her symptoms were the same as before she got the diagnosis and included an upset tummy which she had had on and off for a while. It was really the words/idea of 'cancer' that made her turn away and wrap herself in the insular world of her bed. I thought that showed a kind of bravery too, but it seemed that others felt she 'should' have been 'fighting' as she was always such a strong woman - showing, I guess, their own fears of death and letting go. I thought that perhaps if you've always been 'strong', you might relish being vulnerable on your death bed and just allowing things to happen.
I was reminded how death is a rite of passage just like birth and mused to R that midwives used to deliver babies to life and the dying to death as part of their role in communities. This seemed particularly fitting when we were nursing and caring for R's lovely Granny, I watched him hold her, cradle her head and stroke her hair as tenderly as he would a child. There's something so like a newborn about a dying person, and they have the same needs of loving touch, gentleness and an awareness of their transition. I fell in love with R all over again as I saw him take care of his Granny. It reminded me why I chose this beautiful person to have children with. I know that that wonderful nurturing quality, that inherent warmth and gentleness, will be put to good use when he is a father.
We had both so wanted to have a baby whilst Granny was in this life, as she would have loved to be a great-grandmother. I even considered whispering to her that there was baby coming when she was drifting between states but I'm sure she'll know that better than we do now, maybe meeting them on the way in/out! My sister got pregnant shortly after our Grandpa died - I wonder if my neice and Grandpa met...
Granny was cremated on a crisp autumnal day, with golden leaves blowing from the trees like confetti. It was a beautiful service that reminded us of all of how much had happened in the 86 years of her life. I wanted there to be some peace in dying for her, but in the few words she uttered when she was ill, she simply said she was 'sad' or felt 'terrible'. So there was a sense of peace in the stillness of the day, on her release into what I hope proves to be an incredible sense of joy and abundance.
What a beautiful mystery death is though...and what an incredible gift life is! With many of my clients having their babies over the summer, I have been doing lots of home visits and getting to meet the most delicious little people who I knew in the womb when I was massaging their mums. Last night, I got to hold this sweet stargazer of a boy and instantly felt the warmth and connection between us - it is such an honour to connect with the incredible energies of these babies whilst I am treating their mums and then realise how in tune they are when they arrive earthside. Can't wait to hold our own little piece of magic....
