Well, so much to write about as it has been a very long time since I last posted - what better time to get back into it than a wet and windy Monday afternoon?! It has been an eventful few months. R has been doing some incredible soul-searching regarding his relationship with his father and other men in his life. His dad left his mum when he was 11 and R and he met up for weekly 2 hour trips to the football/McDonalds/shopping centres and other soulless (not the football - I think R would be a little hurt if I called this soulless!) pursuits during which they never really got to know each other. Since we married a few years ago, their relationship has slowly been changing, based now on mutual respect and interest. It is very moving to watch them get to know each other after nearly three decades. I bought R a book called 'Manhood' by Steve Biddulp http://www.stevebiddulph.com/manhood.htm about 3 years ago and it was relegated to the bookshelf only partially digested. It sort of fell in to my hands when I was searching our 'library' (ha! I like to pretend it's a meditative reading room with dim lighting and ancient easy chairs and the faint smell of musty books and pipe tabacco, when really it's about 1000 higgeldy piggeldy scaffold board shelves in the living room) the other day and gave it to R to read again. It was the perfect time - as its auspicious twinkling on the bookshelf told me - and R has found it uplifting, inspiring and exciting. He's been talking about doing a 'man course' like The Mankind Project which runs Warrior Training http://www.mkp.org/. I found a course I really liked the look of here http://www.northerndrum.com/home.html - shamanic warrior training! Sounds amazing. It seems to me we are coming ever closer to our goal - and being led in the most exciting and fascinating ways to explore all aspects of ourselves. I'm glad R found something that resonated so strongly for him without me telling him what or how to think. It can sometimes feel that as the women in a partnership, we do a lot of the research and reading around fertility. I have pointed R in the direction of various interesting articles and we have spent many an hour discussing different ideas and theories but nothing has quite touched him like the realisation of a need to access his masculine energy and heal male relationships, going right back to his earliest male role model, his father. At a time when sperm counts are dropping dramatically in the western world, we also lack strong male role models for the generations of men growing up. There are no common initiation ceremonies into manhood as found in many indiginous cultures.I think it would be REALLY interesting to do a pre- and post- Warrior Training sperm test, to see if all that testosterone and quality, healing 'male time' has an effect. Watch this space!...
For my part, I visited a wonderful healer, Shelley Lemaire http://www.incomingsouls.com/. The bad news is she has literally just jumped on a plane back to her homeland of New Zealand, the good news is that she plans to come back for a few months, maybe more, next summer. Shelley's work is quite unique in that she tunes in with the 'incoming soul'. I had a very restorative initial session with her, letting go of some shame, guilt and sadness in my womb and connecting with the very comforting and healing presence of the two souls I wasn't able to carry in my teens. The second session was opening my womb up to what was quite an incredible and light-filled presence. I was blown away and left feeling full of bliss and light. Shelley felt R's energy when she was working with me (describing us, in words that made my heart soar, as 'soul mates' who have known each other through many lifetimes) and since then, R and I have been consciously focusing our intention on creating a blissful, light space for this angelic being to settle in to. I feel increasingly aware that we have an intensely beautiful being floating about with a sure knowledge of when, how and where they want to be conceived, created and born into the world. Letting go and trusting this is incredibly peaceful.
Into this dreamy mix, I have stirred in the reading of some excellent books and consequent dietary changes. One I have been exploring for a while is the thought-provoking 'The Whole Person Fertility Program - a revolutionary mind-body process to help you conceive' by Niravi B. Payne http://www.niravi.com/. I have to admit I haven't dipped into this one for a while but every time I do I am reminded how important Payne's work is in reminding us of the link between mind and body and how powerful this can be in the quest to conceive. Payne comes across as a wise and gentle elder guiding us lovingly through our past, helping us let go of relationships and thought processes that don't serve us. There's lots of food for thought in here.
I've become a real advocate of Sarah Dobbyn's excellent book 'The Fertility Diet' http://sarahdobbyn.com/ - one I purchased doubtfully from Amazon only to be thoroughly and pleasantly surprised. She has a warm and friendly tone and has done a vast amount of research, making her book both easy to read and extremely helpful. There are many different ideas and thought-provoking tips throughout and she doesn't just concern herself with food, but takes a truly holistic approach, covering sleep through to sex and sunlight. As a result of burying my head in this fertility bible, R is taking a Vit C and zinc supplement and we are both gorging ourselves on seeds galore, oats, ginger etc. Luckily, most of the things she recommends are already familiar fare on our table but we have really upped our intake of seeds! I did a short 'lemonade cleanse' fast over the weekend to remove some of the accumulated toxins of the last ten years or so, and felt really grotty physically on day 2 and 3. I was surprised what came up emotionally too, and I was busy journalling away for most of the weekend (lucky R!). I finished off the cleanse with a colonic hydrotherapy session today with Alison MacDonald at The Andrew Kane Centre in Brighton http://www.andrewkanecentre.co.uk/ and though it is a rather weird and wonderful experience, I feel refreshed and light now. Alison was telling me that some of her clients who have had long-term trouble conceving, go on to get pregnant a month or so after a colonic. It makes sense on all levels - from a physical perspective: stagnant congestion blocking healthy organ functioning in the abdominal area; from an emotional perspective: a feeling of lightness, release and improved health and; from a spiritual perspective: clearing chakral blocks, pure release of being cleansed etc. So, I will now be standing on my soap-box telling all and sundry to 'clear out the poo!'. (R called me afterwards to find out what it was like and was MOST dubious when I suggested he have a go however - soap-box failure no. 1.)
Loads more to write but I should really be getting on with some other things too, so to end on a peaceful and sleepy note; I have become addicted to listening to story tapes to send me to sleep again! When I was younger, I would test my siblings' patience with a desire to listen to story tapes almost perpetually - now, with MP3 players replacing clunky old tape recorders, R doesn't have to indulge with me and the subject matter is a little different. Another dubious Amazon purchase (I spend FAR too long noodling about on Amazon) that turned into a real find was registered midwife and hypnotherapist Joanne Scurr's hypnosis CD 'Getting Pregnant - Hypnotherapy for fertility and conception' http://www.making-babies.co.uk/ . I was really skeptical at first and had a little titter when I initially played it on the CD player ( I think this can be excused because hypnotherapists' voices are often a bit gigglesome when you're not in the right state to absorb them) but have grown to find it immensely comforting and positive. Joanne's very gentle voice takes you on a soothing journey of relaxation, culminating in some powerful visualisations of your healthy womb, baby, pregnancy and parenthood. This is one woman I would love to have beside me during my labour! Perfect for listening to when you're lying in bed, I always find myself lying there with a huge smile on my face thinking about those blissful baby days to come...
