Have started the new year with a lovely buzzy feeling, a kind of release which became a kind of certainty that everything will be okay! It was a bit of a Eureka moment, when I lay in bed thinking that our baby already exists within us and the Universe, a true existential moment of total clarity. Our baby exists on some level, we exist, everything is fine. And I just completely stopped worrying. Stopped thinking about charting or friends getting pregnant or tests or reading more books. The overriding feeling is one of gratitude because I feel like this soul, wherever they are, has already taught us an amazing amount; about ourselves, each other, our relationship, Love, the Universe, the whole caboodle!! I finally began to understand what the healer I went to see had been trying to convey - that it's happening perfectly, this is all part of the journey.A great great place to float around in for a while - it has been extending from my heart in long-reaching tentacles of compassion. A friend told me that she thought she might be pregnant (it turned out later to be a false alarm) and no kidding, I felt JOYFUL for her, no conditions, just a state of pleasure for another's happiness. This is what I have yearned to achieve - to be able to move away from the inherently selfish world of fertility when all I can think about is me and R and our baby and feel impatient - WHERE IS IT???!!!! - when others tell me their news.
I think the key has been this incredible trust that this soul has engendered in R and I. This has led to this beautiful, empowering and enlightening sensation of LETTING GO. The relief is enormous. Our baby will come. In their own sweet way.
I found before this Eureka moment I was increasingly stuck in a negative mind-set - 'we can't have children' or 'we've been having problems' or 'there's something wrong with R's sperm'. Where attention goes, energy flows. No wonder we were stuck! Without realising it, we'd almost become addicted to being infertile, confirming our status in every conversation about it. I think a lot of the current help and advice for couples with fertility problems (well, that word says it all really!) is rooted in this place of negativity, from which it becomes increasingly hard to get out of. If your brain is repeatedly told there is something wrong, the message floods your body, you remain stuck. Or in a perpetual state of 'trying', the dreaded word that fills your everyday life, rather than 'achieving', 'realising our dreams', 'letting go'.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying (like a well-meaning but skewed friend said to me a few months ago) 'just relax', because I know how unhelpful that can be when you're stressed and rightly concerned about the information thrown at you from doctors, friends and family. 'Just relax' kind of gets your hackles up! I think we all have to come to whatever source of comfort or release we find through our own paths and that is very much part of the journey to parenthood, particularly if ours is set to be a slightly, or much, longer route than others'.
For me, at the moment, it has been a wonderful sense of trusting the soul who wants to come into life through us. Trusting that they know when they want to arrive and that they will know when we are ready. Even though we feel so ready, we continue to learn new things about each other all the time and our relationship has unfolded and blossomed like an incredible flower since we embarked on this - dare I say it - life-enhancing ride. I know, controversial, calling fertility 'problems' a life-enhancing experience but it seems to me this is truly a time to see the silver lining, count our blessings and prepare ourselves with open hearts for the next stage...
Which in our case is our favourite tantra course in March - I can't wait!
